ink inside out-anna castillo-Travel- Alone-August 2013


“From childhood’s hour I have not been
As others were; I have not seen
As others saw; I could not bring
My passions from a common spring.
From the same source I have not taken
My sorrow; I could not awaken
My heart to joy at the same tone;
And all I loved, I loved alone. 
Then- in my childhood, in the dawn
Of a most stormy life- was drawn
From every depth of good and ill
The mystery which binds me still:
From the torrent, or the fountain,
From the red cliff of the mountain,
From the sun that round me rolled
In its autumn tint of gold,
From the lightning in the sky
As it passed me flying by,
From the thunder and the storm,
And the cloud that took the form
(When the rest of Heaven was blue)
Of a demon in my view”
– Edgar Allan Poe

Sometimes I suffer from insomnia.  I wrote this at 3:46 this morning.  As I stay awake I thought of the words in “Alone,” my favorite and in my opinion most beautiful poem ever written by Edgar Allan Poe.  This thought came at such an ironic time in my life.  I wondered, as many did, why did he write this?  Was it a how he saw himself?  Or, was it a direct reflection of his life?  As all of us know, our lives come with many trials and tribulations; he was no different.

ink inside out-anna castillo-Travel- Alone-August 2013I read about this masterpiece and in the poem, Poe explains that since he was a child, there was something different about him; something “special.”  He didn’t view life as others did nor did he have the same interests as others.  The line “And all I loved – I loved alone” reinforces that statement.  It’s no secret Poe had an uneasy childhood.  Every negative event, every heartbreak were all a different “cloud” in Poe’s sky which, as a result, made him accept life in a different light than others; a darker light.  That certain “demon in his view” cannot be determined, but it makes us think that it was due to a lost love, sending us back to the line “And all I loved – I loved alone.”  “Alone” is simply the outline of the trauma that is Edgar Allan Poe’s life.

In less than two weeks, my life will change yet again.  Despite this, I always focus on the positive light in my life.  Therefore, as I prepare for a new chapter I sit and think about what causes us not to completely understand one another.  When I say “understand” I mean really understand…each other’s souls, our meanings in conversations, and expressions.  Is it because maybe we are all a little “special?”  I am a woman who loves to please.  I shower with love, trust, affection, gifts,  and believe it or not gentleman…I want the same.  I can tolerate a lot, but there are a few things that I will never budge on.  That is the maltreatment of my heart, disrespect or blatant disregard for my kindness, and being taken advantage of.  I truly believe everyone wants love!  Some more than others.  Fella’s it is important to understand when a woman is happy she will treat you like gold.  At the same time when she is treated poorly her wrath comes ten fold.

Life is too short not to love one another.  Confession: I have been married three times.  Something I am not proud of but I know the relationships were put in my path for some reason.  I can honestly say I loved each one of them all for different reasons.  They all hold a piece of my life.  I believe the keys to a balanced companionship are communication and understanding.  With these, you will be able to open so many doors to so many wonderful walkways of life.  I am grateful I have had descent relationships and maintained them after divorce.  Each one has taught me something new about myself.  Helped me in some way to make the next relationship better.  We learn and grow hoping we will never feel “alone.”  I pray I will find love and be loved the way I too deserve.  Only God will know!

XOXO Besos,

Anna Castillo

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