The Flight to Crazy Town

ink inside out-Jason Wood-Man Cave-The Flight to Crazy Town-November 2014

So it’s finally Thanksgiving and a time for families to come together. Some drive across town, others a few hours down the road, and some fly. I had to fly, to get home to my baby and get a chance to see my family for the first time in several years. I heard of some bad storms coming in on Wednesday, my originally scheduled travel day, so I adjusted the flight to leave on Tuesday. I figured it was early enough to beat the rush of families on the road. Silly me!

I get to the airport after fighting the usual DC traffic and had already checked in online and have the TSA pre-check. I park, get through security, and hang out at the gate for about 10 minutes, spotting only one two kid family. They are trying to get the little boy to take a “magic pill so he doesn’t get sicky” so I’m like, “Sweeeeet, drugged kids equal quiet kids!” At this point, I think I’m doing good. Silly me!

So we get on the plane and I nestle into my window seat so I can smack my head against the bulk head and get some sleep. Silly me! As the rest of the plane gets seated I realize I’m in the den of the devil! There are two families behind me with two kids each behind me, directly in front of me is a family with two kids, and a few rows up a family with one kid. Now, these aren’t kids, these are like between the ages of 1 and 4…..all of them! My nightmare has just begun!

Listen; don’t get me wrong, I truly love children. Their cute little faces, fingers, the looks they give you as they are so innocent to the world around them. The stewardess gave the girl in front of me a set of flying wings. She told her mom, “I want to be one of those when I grow up mommy, so we have to keep these and take care of them.” I cracked a smile and remembered my little girl at that age and remembered the good times. Boy do they grow up quick.

 So after the airline messes around changing out some catering junk, we finally take off 30 minutes behind schedule. The kids are actually pretty quiet and I get some sleep for about an hour or so. Then…it happens! We get to cruising altitude and its like their little clocks got in synch and it was game on. Like let’s “F” with the adults’ game! One starts “whooping” like some street gang warning call to alert the dealers the cops are in the area. The rest of them….yep…..start whooping back! It’s like some shit out of National Geographic! That transitioned into the one in front of me just getting pissed and screaming then playing seat frogger as he peers over the back of the seat at me with those eyes rolled back in his head that say, “Welcome to the flight to crazy town!” in his most demonic voice!

ink inside out-Jason Wood-Man Cave-The Flight to Crazy Town-November 2014

Thank goodness the drinks were coming. A little Jack Daniels, Diet Coke, some water, and pretzels I hoarded from my last trip courtesy of Delta, I was settling in for the torture. After about 30 minutes, actually felt like 30 hours, things got quiet again. Sugar rush done, or calm before the storm? Thank you Jesus, it stayed calm!

We finally land and now it’s time to get to my next gate in a hurry thanks to the service delay to start the flight. But wait, I can’t hurry, there are little munchkins of craziness everywhere blocking the way. I have to wait! AAARRRRHHHH!! Well, I finally make it off the plane, walk like the old ladies at the mall to my gate, thank goodness it was only about 20 gates down, and get right on the next flight…….

As I settle into my aisle seat I think to myself, “The nightmare is over!  This is only a 40 minute flight and things will be great here; too short a flight to be bad.”  Right!!  Thinking that, I get excited thinking about seeing my baby soon, and then see a nice older man, a Retired Marine Corps MasterGunnery Sergeant, who sits next to me.  We exchange pleasantries and we take off.  Within minutes, he is out; like straight coma out!  Good for him I think.  A few minutes later I smell something, not quiet sure where it is coming from.  Did I step on a diaper land mine on the way off the other plane?  Or your thinking my neighbor let one go, shame on you!  No, even better!  As he slept with his mouth open he would blow his coffee breath up into the line of the air vent.  The air vent would then push it down to me.  The video here explains it best.

We hope everyone has a happy and blessed Thanksgiving!  Enjoy that time with family and friends and God bless our troops overseas who can’t be home this year!


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