Hello! I want to share my recent massage experience with you all. Why? Because I want to make you laugh! I haven’t had a massage in some time, and the last few times were pretty lack luster. I prefer to have girl rub me down, what guy doesn’t. I really prefer to have MY GIRL rub me down but in our current situation, this doesn’t quiet work out. So I called Massage Envy and asked who was available Friday afternoon. I was told Bau-Beu, or something like that, was available. I said sweet, how good is she?” The voice on the phone giggled and said, “HE is very good, rates a 4 out of 5!” A long silence ensued until I asked, “What about the rest of the weekend?” “Sorry sir, we are completely booked”, she said. Another long awkward silence then I hesitantly say, “Book it.”
Now before we get into this craziness, you need to know I’m not really into deep tissue massages, more mid range. I had a German chick named Helga in Germany manipulate the muscles, tissues, and bones under my skin like I was a fresh bratwurst out of the machine. Scarred for life much? YEP!
So I explain what my problem areas are to the staff then later Bob-Bau. A Filipino dude in his mid to late twenties (hell, he could have been 80 as well as they age). I get undressed down to my underwear and climb under the covers, my head still shaking at what the hell I just got myself into. He walks in, lathers up, and gets to rubbing my back. Hmmmm, awkward in a high pitch voice screams through my head. Screw it, I’m secure in my manhood and sexuality, get to it Bro-Bon!
AAAGGHHHHH! Deep tissue it was, and man was he hitting those knots in my back and shoulders. He would have made any Boy Scout jealous. Then, he goes in with the elbow.
Now, my baby told me, when she was rubbing me down, to just breathe out and the pain would not be that bad. I felt like a chic in the labor and delivery room about to give birth to a small hippo. It did help, a little. His elbow vanishes between my shoulder blade and he is going after those stress knots that have been causing me so much pain. He pushed his thumbs into them so hard I swear I watched him pick up a towel from the floor while reaching through my backbone.
So he works his way to my feet and legs and then has me roll over. He works over my arms then takes my legs and bends them around like he is fighting that stubborn tree he is trying to pull out of the ground. I felt like an Olympic gymnast! After I was folded into an Auntie M’s pretzel, he moved up to my head and shoulders. He reached under my shoulders and pulls some sort of crazy ninja move jamming his fingers into my shoulder blades right were the knots were. Yep, gone now! The feeling in my back and the knots!
He grabs my head and starts rolling it around then SNAP to the left, SNAP SNAP to the right. I feel my eyes dangle and bobble inside my head then refocus on the ceiling. “Ok Jason, we all done!” “Tzanc yuuuu Bab-Boi, ha a greaut wukend”, I stutter in my attempt at English as I search to gain feeling back in my lower extremities.
After getting dressed and hydrating…..a lot, I pay, get a membership for monthly massages, and hope for the best in the coming days. The Bloodhound Gang has a song called, “A Lap Dance is so Much Better when the Stripper is Crying”. I kinda felt like that during my “man massage”. In the end, I feel great!
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